A Kennedy Cancer Center social worker and a breast cancer survivor discuss how to speak to those diagnosed with the disease.
Your best friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer. You know she will have to receive treatment.
You know she will be in and out of doctor's offices, and may even have to have chemo, radiation or surgery. But what can you do to help? What do you say to her?
Along with a physical diagnosis of breast cancer, comes the emotional blow that every patient copes with differently.
Abigale Hassel, oncology social worker at the Kennedy Cancer Center in Washington Township, said everyone who is diagnosed with cancer reacts differently -- some need a lot of attention, while others want their privacy.
"When someone is diagnosed, whether it's Stage 1 or Stage 4, they go through a traumatic response," Hassel said. "They go through the grief process because they have lost the normal life they had and have lost control of their life."
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During grief, a patient can experience sadness, anger, and hopelessness all at once.
"It's common for a patient to lash out," she said. "Don't take things personally because it's not about you."
Sue Saporito, oncology nurse navigator at Kennedy Cancer Center, has been a nurse for 35 years.
In 2001, she began working in oncology. Just five years later, she was diagnosed with Stage 2A breast cancer.
"I went in for my annual mammogram two years late and something showed up," Saporito said.
Because she was working at an oncology practice, she decided to have tests done at her office.
"Low and behold, they did an incision biopsy and it came back positive," Saporito said. "I found out at work and the whole office just stopped."
Hassel said, when these kinds of situations arise, there are certain ways to speak to the patient and certain emotions to expect in return.
"Never tell someone you know how they feel, even if you have had cancer or know someone who has," she said. "Everyone is an individual and unique."
Instead, she said to ask the person how they are feeling -- how they are coping with the diagnosis -- but don't push the issue.
"Don't tell them what to do, or what they need to do," Hassel said. "Don't say, 'You need to get a second opinion. You need to go to this doctor.' It's better to ask, 'What are your plans and how can I help?'"
After her diagnosis, Saporito said she received a lot of support from her co-workers.
"Everyone in the office supported and encouraged me, and told me they would be there for me, including the physician," she said.
Saporito was most concerned about how her two daughters -- one a senior and one a junior in high school at the time -- would react to her diagnosis.
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"A couple years earlier, we lost three parents of friends of my daughters," she recalled. "So, when I told my daughters, I told them they caught it early and I wasn't going to die."
After the shock, the girls took the news like champs and supported their mother all the way through her treatment and eventual surgery.
When her pathology showed Lobular Carcinoma in situ -- an area of abnormal cell growth that increases a person's risk of developing invasive breast cancer later on -- she chose to have a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction.
"I chose to do chemo at my office," Saporito said. "My first treatment was in June 2006, then I had an infection and had to be on antibiotics, so I continued chemo in September."
Hassel said once a patient starts treatment, friends and family should refrain from asking about their prognosis.
"Never ask how long the doctor has given them or what the statistics are," she said. "None of that is helpful."
She said while people are only trying to help by asking questions and offering advice, sometimes it can come across the wrong way to the person who has been diagnosed.
"It all comes from good intentions and feelings of being helpless," Hassel said. "It's wonderful to offer help, but take cues from the person. Tell them specifically what you are willing to do. 'Let me pick up your groceries. Let me pick up the dry cleaning. Let me feed the dog.' And don't take it personally if they say no."
The best advice is to just be there for the person, she said, if that's what they want.
"Tell them you will call everyday at 5 o'clock, and if they don't want to talk, it's perfectly fine to not answer," Hassel said. "Sometimes they just need to know you're there."
She also said that it's possible for good friends or family members to disappear after a loved one is diagnosed with breast cancer.
"I tell the patients to expect, some will disappear or some will be smotherers," Hassel said. "When people disappear, it feels personal, but it's not about the patient. It reminds you of your own mortality and some people can't handle that."
The smotherer is the extreme opposite, she said.
"They love you so much and want to do something, so the best thing is to give them something specific to do," Hassel said. "Send them to the grocery store or ask them to pick up the kids."
Saporito said to not forget that laughter is the best medicine.
"Try to make the patient laugh," she said. "A friend of mine came over when I was losing my hair and cut it into a mohawk. We just had fun with it."
Now, nine years cancer free, Saporito said, while her experience was a rough one, it made her stronger in the end.
"My experience with breast cancer helped me immensely," she said, noting that the experience actually brought her closer to her patients.
"I don't tell everyone I'm a breast cancer survivor, but it's amazing how a patient's trust in me changes immediately only because I've been there, done that," she said. "Every journey, whether good or bad, has a silver lining."
Kelly Roncace may be reached at kroncace@njadvancemedia.com. Follow her on Twitter @kellyroncace. Find the South Jersey Times on Facebook.